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  1. Nominative determinism
  2. Hairdresser names
  3. Mathematical pickup lines
  4. Benedict Cumberbatch’s name in a parallel universe
  5. Inappropriate songs for hospital department waiting rooms

Lists

Last Updated: 2021.12.29

I have habit of creating lists, enumerating puns related a certain topic (often when I’ve drank a bit too much—there are worse things to do). I’ve included some of the more family-friendly ones below. If you have additional suggestions, please let me know.

Nominative determinism

(i.e. names of people that are appropriate for their profession)

  1. Andy Man (Handyman)
  2. Mike Czech (Audio Engineer)
  3. Eddy Bull (Caterer)
  4. Annie Seedball (Confectioner)
  5. W.E. Scratchit (Mover)
  6. Aaron Farr (Athlete)
  7. Annie D. Brake (Bus Operator)
  8. W. C. Plugg & P Trapp (Plumbers)
  9. Ben Dover (Gardener)
  10. Terry Bull (Interior Decorators)
  11. D. Carb (Car repair)
  12. Tutts (Art collector)
  13. Sue Yu (Lawyer)
  14. Dee Sharp (Music Teacher)

Hairdresser names

  1. Headmasters
  2. Sherlock Combs
  3. Curl Up and Dye
  4. I’ll Cut You
  5. Jack the Clipper
  6. Hair We Go
  7. Jack of All Fades
  8. Scissor Sisters
  9. Deja Du
  10. Hair Force One
  11. Snip Inn
  12. Head Office
  13. Fringe Benefits
  14. Headlines

Mathematical pickup lines

  1. Are you the group of all invertible point-preserving transformations because you’re affine?
  2. Are you an angle less than 90° because you’re acute-y?
  3. Is the sum of your proper factors equal to your value because you’re perfect?
  4. You must be the square root of -1 because you can’t be real
  5. The derivative of my love for you is zero because it’s constant
  6. If I were sin²(x) then you’d be cos²(x) because together we’re one
  7. How can I know so many digits of pi but not the digits of your phone number?
  8. You are one well-defined function
  9. Meeting you was like a switch from cartesian to polar coordinates: complex and imaginary things are suddenly given a magnitude and a direction
  10. You have nicer legs than an isosceles triangle
  11. Our love is like dividing by zero; you can’t define it
  12. Can I get your seven significant digits?
  13. You must be the reciprocal of cos(c) because you’re sexy
  14. My love for you is like a concave function’s positive first derivative because it’s always increasing
  15. I’ve got your prior here. How about you give me your likelihood so I get to know your posterior
  16. Do you use Metropolis-Hastings? Because I have a proposal you’ll accept with probability 1
  17. Is your p-value greater than alpha because I’d always fail to reject you?
  18. At absolute zero you would still move me

Benedict Cumberbatch’s name in a parallel universe

  1. Wimbledon Tennismatch
  2. Buffalo Custardbath
  3. Benadryl Slumbercatch
  4. Cucumber Cabbagepatch
  5. Bumblebee Bandersnatch
  6. Breadmachine Pumpkinpatch
  7. Buckingham Football-match

Inappropriate songs for hospital department waiting rooms

Intensive Care

  1. Staying Alive, Bee Gees
  2. I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
  3. For Survival, Vulfpeck

Respiratory

  1. Every Breath You Take, The Police
  2. Still Breathing, Green Day
  3. Harder to Breath, Maroon 5
  4. Lose My Breath, Destiny’s Child
  5. Barely Breathing, Duncan Sheik
  6. Keep Breathing, Ingrid Michaelson
  7. It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing, Shania Twain
  8. My Last Breath, Evanescence

Cardiology

  1. My Heart Skips a Beat, Olly Murs
  2. I Skip a Heartbeat, Scouting for Girls
  3. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
  4. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, Elton John